Ulat Bulu Naik Daun

Yesterday, an sms came in - it was from Bojeng. He asked if I would be interested in a lunch together-gether.

Now, you may think that, 'aiyah maz, you 're just blowing things out of proportion; he just wants to do lunch with you.." Yes, exactly..DO lunch!

OUR HISTORY

Bojeng and I met on one of the many, few, early websites developed for horny and desperate people. Now wait...before you guys think otherwise, I was honestly looking for friends - not fuck friends ok....

What attracted me to him was the fact that he was a Bidayuh. During that time, there weren't many Bidayuhs

around. Maybe there were, but my liking towards the opposite sex were and had always slanted towards the dark, tall and not necessarily handsome. (the darker, the better!hahahahahahaha)

I have this thing when it comes to men - they have to have the ability to speak well. (Hmm..don't know what happened to me with the last one I chose..I was probably drugged!!!) And there he was, a Bidayuh that could write and speak English well! And it would be kinda sexy to see an English speaking Bidayuh in

We started of with emails, then chats. He was with Cycle and Carriage then, managing all local Merc outlets. After 4 months, he asked me out...to physically meet each other. Alamak! How? It took more than 2 months for me to finally say yes.

We met at Coffee Bean at Pyramid. I then found out that he was separated from his wife, he was shy (i repeat..WAS) and most of it all, he was...well, still is...underheight! (he is my height for God's sake!!)

HUMPING AROUND

We hitted and started dating soon after. We would go for lunch, dinner, tea - let's just say my daily food intake was sort of taken care of. Soon, dinner somehow got extended to breakfast...(I was living alone maa..) He started leaving his boxers and kain pelekat and tooth brush(hahahahahahaha...am NOT kidding you..this man wears kain pelekat k?!) It was indeed a "cinta ketat".

Soon, the weekend overnights became a fortnightly affair...then it became a monthly thingy. He blamed it on work and travelling (don't they all) and promised he would make it up when things got better. It never did.

One evening, he came and said that we needed to talk. He told me that he was going back to his wife again; giving their marriage another shot. I felt numb while he packed his stuff and left. I didn't take any of his calls or sms-es anymore after that night. Till one day, after about a year.

I decided to contact him again - gatal! But then again, I had moved on; I have moved out of Sunway, I was dating another fella (Sha hates him), so I thought why not..Big Mistake!!

Next thing I knew, I was busy 'scheduling' schedules so that the two didn't bump into each other. Even the guards were confused! I was such a slut!!

Things went on and got pretty 'heated' till one day he told me that his wife was pregnant. Then it struck me - I have to put a stop to all this.

ON MY OWN

Abah's passing was a good excuse for me to break all ties - with Bojeng, with the fella and start anew. We both kept in touch though through out the years till the time I got married. Then all communications took a halt. Till I bumped into him at the Curve after giving birth to Saadiah.

I was on my way to meet my work collegues for lunch and saw him coming down the escalator. He was surprised to see me then, since I had started wearing tudung. We exchanged numbers again; and agreed to be in touch from time to time.

I must say that he has kept his share of the bargain; he has been in touch, asking me out for lunch and some 'fun' if I was interested. All through out my 'dead' marriage right through now.

Of late, the invitations had been on a weekly basis. The fact that I am single again has somehow triggered his 'gatal' nerve again. Probably he thinks that being husband-less has left me all dry and horny. What I can say - Bojeng after all is a man..A man who thinks NOT with his brains but the pruny ball-like thingy in between his legs.

The thing is, this whole sexual period has passed- I have been there, I have done that. I really don't look forward going down that road again. It is too taxing, plus the benefits 'don't last'. Sex would be great, if only it is laced with love, and affection for the other. Not just for lust..

Finally, I am Legal!

Not many people know this, but my driving licence 'died' (expired) some eight years ago. Ok, before anyone starts jumping, let me just explain.

It is not that I enjoyed driving around without a valid licence. This is not one of those 'Ada berani' moments, I can assure you.

There had been times when the sight of a policeman would freak me so bad that I would stall the journey, or take the other, longer, route to get to the destination! And Lady Luck was not always by my side; there had been times when I was stopped by the police (probably they saw my cuak face from a distance and decided to 'scare' me further), just to ask me where I was going and I would be stuttering so bad that they would ask for my licence. Then, all sorts of bullshit will be blurted and before you know it, I have been slapped with a summon. And it kept coming till I decided to 'go clean' in 2005.

Rapia Strings

I decided to pull some strings (my string isn't that long, mind you) and managed to get a good ole' friend to help me clear my summons using his 'strings'. After forking out over RM750, all my summons were somehow 'cleared' from the system and I was free!! For a short while that is, until I found out that JPJ will not renew expired licences like mine. (Note: JPJ would only allow renewals if the licence has expired not more than two years) I was doomed.

Upon further checking, I was told that I had to re-sit for the Bahagian II and Bahagian III tests (Slope, Side Park, Three Point Turn & On The Road) What? When I first got my license back in Fiji, I didn't even have start the engine! All I had to do was look pretty..and made sure that the buttons on my skirt were unbuttoned (less buttons, more points, or so I was told! hahaha) Sigh..just my luck..

I did ask my friends if they have friends who have friends in JPJ..of course they do, and their friends came with a price tag as well! Some went on asking for RM1,500 just to get my licence renewed! That's melayu for you..(No offence, but often more that not, it is the melayus that kill the other melayus)

Whip Appeal

After much thinking and all, I decided to go with the other option - which was to make an appeal to JPJ, and if I am lucky, they might just let me off with just taking the On the Road Test. JPJ replied after two days, saying that I have to take both tests and I was given 60 days to register myself at a driving school, go for short, refresher classes and sit for the test. Ok, I said, I will do it at the end of the month, after gaji. But I guess I spoke too soon, as I got pregnant soon after. Hence the deferment of the whole application process to after my delivery.

After giving birth, life was just crazy. It was work, baby, work, work, baby, baby and work!I just didn't have the time! But things somehow got smoother after my divorce, and I am kinda a little relax. Plus Saadiah is now a big girl...(in a small way..hehehe) I sent my appeal again, and again, I was to take the Bahagian II and III.

After googling and calling numerous driving schools, I decided to go with a school that conducts JPJ Test in-house. The closest to Taman Tun is the one next to Armada Hotel in PJ. What the heck, I thought to myself, just as long as I can get my licence again, who cares if it was just a stone throw away from the 'Dungeon'. (my ex father-in law's house)

MoU

After one hefty lunch on a long, Friday lunch break few weeks ago, I took the the babes from the third floor to the Driving School/centre. I enrolled for four classes, to brush up on my driving (manual ok?) slope, side park (with poles and all) and the routes for the On-The-Road Test. I also laid down my terms (ceh wah!) :-

i) That I must complete all classes and the dreaded test by the first week June

ii) That the centre must guarantee that I will pass the test

iii) That I am given a good instructor.

The following Monday, I received a call from the centre - to inform that JPJ has bestowed me with an 'L' licence (woohoo!) and that they have set my classes; which would commenced that Friday. Yay!

What ....

The following days were filled with encouragement and jeer from work collegues and friends. Them buggers! (Never forget for the world is round..) Come Friday, I was all nervous and panicky - thousands of 'What ifs' were going around and round in my head. "What if the car slides down the slope?" "What if the car halts in the middle of road?" What if ..what if ..what if.. arrrgggghhhhhh!

At 3.00pm, I started phrasing on my 'curi tulang' line - should I say, "I am not feeling well" , or "My mum is not well," or "My daughter hasn't stop crying" or "My car needs to be fixed", etc, etc, etc..

Aina (my boss's secretary) reckoned I should just tell the truth. "Are you nuts?" (that was exactly what I had said to her). What would he think of me then? I am putting my pride at stake! It was then I realised that I was indeed behaving like the egoistic Melayus that I hate! Yuck!!!!!!!

En Zul was engrossed on playing 'teacher-teacher' in his room with the marketing team and it was almost time to leave. What do I tell him, how do I tell him? I can't just interrupt his 'lecture session' and profess infront of others of my situation? Aina suggested that I call his extension..by doing that, others wouldn't hear and wouldn't know. Brilliant! I thought.

My thoughts were crashed when he went.." You mean you have been driving without a licence?" out loud, infront of the marketing team! Here was where people saw me banging my head on the table while replying.."Yes, but I have been driving carefully." At the end of the call, the whole third floor knew, Mazayu has been driving for yonks without a valid licence!

Kancil oh Kancil

The class went on well - but the car I was driving was just......beyond words.. It does not have power steering, the seat would rock everytime I brake (it didn't help that I am big and heavy!), the aircon blows hot air and it is a friggin' Kancil! By the time the class was done, my right foot (toes included) was numb and I was all toasty and sour (YUCK!)

Next two sessions were bearable - plus I picked up new skills. Did you know that to side park, one would have to count the poles? Once you are able to see the first three poles, turn the steering all the way to the left, look into the side mirror and count till the seventh pole, then straightened the wheels, reverse till the back tyre touches the line, then steer all the to the left..voila..you are in the box! Phuiyo..

My instructor, Mr Maniam is a nice guy. He knew I was nervous, and always cracking me up with jokes and hot juicy gozz on the other instructors. One had just lost his wife recently and already busy looking for a new wife, and reckoned I should try my luck! Huh??? Crack!

My last class was last Friday and it was then that I was told by Mr Maniam that my test would be on Monday at 8.30am. Yes..finally! I made plans - to have a good full rest on Sunday..not

gonna be no slave this sunday...must rest..must rest..

Sunday, Sunday..Day of Rest..??

Come Sunday, my big plans were crushed. Like any other weekend, I had to cook! I had to cook since mak and Kak Seh were busy gardening. Mem Besar (Lan's wife) only got up at 10.30am (as always) to eat and then to go up again. I was left with the kids and the kitchen to tend to. I am doomed! By 1.30pm, I had cooked up a feast! (not that i wanted to, but to simmer down the burning fire in me!) I made fish head curry, fish soup for the kids, sambal tumis ikan bilis and aloo beghan (indian dish - potatoes and brinjal) It was about that time Mem Besar came down and asked whether I needed help! Help me, it seems!! My ooooooze!

The new maid was due to arrive on Sunday as well at 4pm. Being the "law-abiding" daughter and employer, I made plans to leave for LCCT at 2.30pm. (Don't want mak to nag all the way to Sepang, do you) I was by then tired, sleepy, angry and I had to drive all the way to Sepang...not a good combination ain't it?

By the time we got to LCCT, I found out that the flight was slightly delayed. It was hot and humid, I was hungry, and the flight was delayed! Cool, cool.. We finally settled for a cuppa at Oldtown Kopitiam and waited. And we waited...for a good whole hour, and she didn't turn up. It was then I found out that I had to personally collect her at the Immigration with the valid papers and stuff..which I didn't have. To cut the story short, it was after a lot of running up and down and up and down LCCT that we all finally left LCCT at 7pm! By then, none of us look and smell decent no more. And when we finally got home, I was just too tired to sleep!

The Real Test

I told Sha I would pick her at 7am, (since I was told to be at the centre at 7.30am) but 'terbabas'. By the time we actually got to the centre, it was 7.40am. I thought I was late, but turned out that we were amongst the early birds. So, we waited.....and waited.....and waited. JPJ personnel finally arrived at 8.30am and we continued waiting..for them to complete the setting up and have a very long breakfast. It was getting all humid already by then.

Our names were called at 9.15 or so..all of us had to move from where we were seated to a shack right under the sun. There were 68 of us in Group 1; and numbers were only given up to 65. The other three (including yours truly) was special cases; hence we had to wait for all the young goons to go through the test before we could take ours. I did my Bahagian I test at 11.10am. First was the slope....and all the 'what if' questions started circling my head all over again! "What if the car slides down?" "What if the front tyres don't touch the yellow line?"

As soon as I saw the que to drive up the slope, my heart felt as though it had jumped out of its socket! All I could hear was Mr Maniam's voice, "Make sure your side mirror is the same as the pole..50% tyres in oso ok..' As soon as I stopped, lifted my hand, I saw the JPJ official doing the 'OK' sign. Yay!! Woo hoo! I passed the slope. Next was side park.

Each were given five minutes to park. I did mine in one and a half! (the officer actually asked, 'akak betul puas hati ke?' hahahahaha) Last of the three was the three-point-turn, which was "easy-peasy". I passed all three in a matter of 15 minutes! Next up, the OTR test.

Sha was already getting all edgy and uncomfortable being surrounded by the melayus and the young wannabes. Plus she was hungry. If I had known it was going to be this long, I wouldn't have dragged her.

There were four JPJ testers conducting the OTR test. 68/4 =17 minutes per person. It was definitely going to be a LONGGGGG day, I thought. Each student had to 'perform' a certain rite before 'proceeding' in the test. To gain extra points, one has to:

i) check all mirrors - side, rear view mirror

ii) check your seat

iii) free gear position

iv) check signal lights, check wiper

v) seat in place

vi) fasten seat belt

"How to remember all this??"' - I told Sha. The wait was good, as I was able to visually practise the rite in my head. I was finally tested at 1.20pm. I was asked to take Route B; the route that was rather simple but with a lot of slopes. 10 minutes after, I was back at the center and I was given 18/20 for my OTR test! Yay! I passed! I am now a valid driver!!!!

Yesterday, I was told that I could do my new licence..which I did and got it validated for 5 years! Hah! It is now legally safe to travel with me..no more freaking out whenever there's a road block, for I am legal now!