This morning, on my way to work, I was listening to Eric Benet's "mendayu-dayu" songs - the perfect selection to feed my sorrows. It was then i found myself singing "All I ever needed I could never find, all I ever wanted was to get it right, Somebody tell me what is wrong with me, I wasn't sure but I know now I believe, That it must be, love don't love me, ........." It is so true - Love has never loved me!
I am not proud to admit this, but I have been out (and about) with so many men. (Sha even insisted that she needed to come up with a tree -you know, like a family tree - so that she would know who is who!)
Lately, people from my past have somehow made their way to the present time. I dont know how, and why, but they are BACK! Well maybe, I do know how, since I sorta befriended /found them on Facebook. My intentions were good; I just wanted to keep in touch and know what's been happening in their lives.
That was how I met Arthur again; the Fijian guy whom I used to go out (and about) with some 13 years ago. What started out as casual hellos, how are yous, how many kids have you somehow grew to something which I did not expect. Some 2 months ago, things took a turn, and we decided that we wanted to give what we have had another chance. And so it began.
It was sweet, feeling love again.. and I felt alive. I thought it was just..perfect (Sha reckoned he was the designated 'plumber') He made plans to come down to KL to see me in November and we made plans to go to Hong Kong to catch the Hong Kong Sevens in March next year. It was all nice and rosy, up till last Sunday. The callings/texts stopped.
I didn't want to go all panicky; guys have this thing about us girls calling them 20 times just to ask them what they are doing! So, I sent him an email, followed by another the next day, and the next. Nothing. Come Thursday, I was almost almost crazy! What happened? Is he ok? Did I do anything that had offended him? So, I called. And called. Nothing...
I was devasted, sad, I felt cheated..everything. Why is it that everyone can feel and have love and I can't? Am I any different from anyone? Well, maybe in size and looks, but apart from all that, I have a heart, just like anyone else. I have feelings, just like everyone. I have wants and needs, just like all of you. So, why can't I have love?
People are always saying God is saving the best for me. I have waited 39 years, but the best has yet to arrive. Did he lose his way? Were there a lot of obstacles? Is it hard to get to me? What? I have never asked for much; I just want to be loved, that is all.
Arthur will not be the last to break my heart; I am sure others are just waiting for their numbers to be called. Probably there is sign on my forehead that says "Loser on the loose".
Probably the fortune teller was right; that I had been charmed/cursed by a snake when I was younger. Snakes aren't usually afraid of human beings. But not in my case, I scare the shit out of that poor snake that it cursed me. Oh my god, even snakes hate me! I am beyond help!!
Rani (the fortune teller) wants to take me to the snake temple, so that I can give my offerings (of milk and eggs) to the God of all Snakes and seek for his forgiveness; for scaring his kind in my younger days. Sigh......whatever it takes, just so long as love will love me back.
(to be continued..)