I’m a single again… and that is now a fact.

I’m very happy….and that is another fact, too.

I can safely say, I have never felt this liberated in my entire 38 years and some months of my life..At this point of time, I just feel that there is no, one-thing that I cannot do..anytime, anywhere, anyhow...No more having to sms or calling that particular someone to seek an A-ok to go wherever, whenever, with whomever and for what-so-ever..and that my dear friends is what I call freedom.

Being all 38 and single again has driven me into a whole new chapter in my life that I never knew existed before. Yes, I have grown older, birthed a beautiful daughter and all praise to the Almighty, I somehow had wisened up!

Things are just not the same anymore. Now, at this point of time in life and at this age, I am beginning to enjoy life more. I have stopped thinking about those who have made me emotionally weak, defeated, useless and abandoned. No one can now make me feel sad, no one can tell me I am fat and ugly. Three months ago, I was just another person with blue circumstances..A playful jeer would have gotten me all teary. And that sucked! Enough of crying, enough with sadness.. ENOUGH!!.

Yesterday, the 28TH of JANUARY 2009, I finally told myself that I want to get the blue-y tracks out of my life..it is time for me to love life and live life…No more having to go through the pain of feeling unwanted, unloved. The pain became more evident during my three year marriage. The way he treated me, the words that were ‘thrown’ at me; constantly piercing deep in the heart, and finally leaving it to die with much pain. The pain and this bitter feeling of being left alone, abandoned in the dark was just too much for anyone to handle…ENOUGH!

Liberty came knocking on my door yesterday after the morning hearing at the Syariah Court. It was just an out of the world experience; to be able to smile without a reason, to be able to walk with my head high in the sky..to be able to breathe again without choking on my salty tears.. The gloomy days are over.. I am a new person.. a new positive person. And I don’t have to be in a relationship to be positive and happy and that is for sure for I am the living prove. I am again single and I am just very happy!

Closure

There was a time, a long time ago, in a faraway land, that I fell in love. I was just happily, madly, utterly in love, and there was so much happiness, joy, laughter. There was much rejoicing. The times we had together was just …special and magical. Next thing you know, SHUT! Game Over. Gone. Dead. Completely cut off. Disconnected.

The memories are still fresh in my mind. The moments, the feeling…But I can't get it back. I may spend my entire life trying to get back into that Polariod; fighting all the way. But to no avail. Our relationship was the best I have ever had. Even now, years later, anytime I come close to it, I want to dive in. Sink or swim, I don't care.

I would give anything to be even in “the room” next to it; across the street, a breath away.. reminiscing and remembering what I never let myself forget. To look into his eyes and knowing; another time, another place, he will be there; standing right in front of me…within grasps. And I will hold him tight and never let go. Never ever.... I fought hard, but only with myself.

There were nights I cried. When we were together, him driving me home, I cried. Not because I was sad, or missing him, but because I was happy. Just so happy I couldn't contain myself. I couldn't believe it was real. Was it real? Have you ever wondered, have you ever asked yourself? There was this feeling..this trembling, completeness. The warmth that made everything seemed big.. Everyone seemed to be looking at you. You were the one. But not anymore..it is all gone. And it will never be there again.

I still see little pieces of you everywhere; a glance, a smile, a touch….The years away from you saw me counting the petals on daisies, he still loves me..he loves me not..he still loves me…HE STILL LOVES ME..I wish it was so..After 18 year, today, I am finally ready to accept that it is over..There is a need for closure..for the both of us. It is time, and I need to make this effort..Though our time together was brief; it was effortless and it was filled with love. Thank you, for allowing me into your life and for sharing your life with me.


If you ever see/read this, you will know it is by me. Our story was probably meant to be a tragic love story. Continue smiling, though it will never be for me. I’m glad that this ‘burden’ is finally out of me and hopefully, I am ready for a closure.. Goodbye, DB..


“There is nothing in the world so wonderful as to love and be loved; there is nothing so devastating as love lost.”

Sambungan - My Wacko Cracko Sisters

Oopss...now this is what haappens when you think you are smart, when you know for a fact you are NOT! hahahaha... I saved the draft, thinking that i would continue the cerita karut today, only to find out that I had actually posted it!! HAIYAAAAAAA....................

Anyhoots, where was I.....hmmmm...Ah yes, the poodle do.

Well, her poodle-y do weren't as bad as Gee's on her wedding day! ahahahahahahahahaha....who can forget (though she had incinerated all evidence many moons ago!) the poodle bangs with the the skunk nose make up! Gee is crack sister; the crackiest of all...She was born with too many screws missing up there....She would have made the perfect Stepford Wife...hahahahahahahaha.

Growing up with her as a sister was not easy, believe me...She hated my guts, I hated her tai-tai, dragon-like behaviour. I was told that on the day I was brought home from the hospital, she stood next to the crib (with her 'Damien' face) and gave me one hella a pelempang; right smack on my face! Thus began the rivalry...which went on till the day she gave birth to my niece, Intan. I guess being a mother (and not forgetting old, huh!) sorta gave her amnesia and all were forgotten..

Being the rebellious one, I was quite a handful I would say...but they have always stood by me, through thick and thin. We have learnt to live with our flaws and imperfections; and they have come to terms with the fact that I am, in fact, the beautiful ONE!

When I left PJ, they were the ones who waited for me at mak's with open arms, with undivided love. Ida and Gee, thank you for being great sisters...you guys may be the crackiest crack of all cracks ( and not forgetting less beautiful), I am just very grateful that I have you as my sisters..

Sisters Heart to Heart
By Joanna Fuchs

From the time that we were little,I knew you’d always be

Not just loving sisters

But a caring friend to me.
A shoulder I could cry on,

A helping hand in times of need,

A cheerleader to lift me up, (ermmmm.....i think not)

My angel in both word and deed.

We told each other secrets;

We giggled and we cried.

We shared our joys and sorrows--

We were always side by side.

We have a very special bond;

I knew it from the start.

You’ll have my love forever--

We’re sisters, heart to heart.

My Wacko Cracko Sisters

I am blessed with three beautiful sisters....well, two...(one is a major psycho): Ida (the one in red) and Gee (the one with the 'serombong keretapi' nose! hahahahaha).

Ida, who is in her 40s (and sooo in denial) is a mother to three beautiful girls (my 'daughters' before i actually, physically gave birth to my own daughter). She has been married for yonks but somehow managed to retain her youth all these years (damn it! she is the only one who has mak's genes!) Ida married abang Shahrin back in 80s where the eyes were made up with a splat of blue or green onto the eyelids and the poodle hairdo was in...

What a Year..2008

Alhamdullillah...the new year is finally here..It has been two days since I am back behind the desk; playing 'busy' and continue to fool others with the tapping of the keyboard keys. I was away for over a week; I just needed the break to lay back and relax with mak and saadiah. What was supposed to be a six-day-break extended to a ten glorious, hassle-free, cuti-cuti malaysia..

I decided to head back to chemor for the christmas break and head back again to kl for new years since all the bosses were away (and I do mean ALL BOSSES) and we had the whole office to ourselves! (woo hoo...imagine the hours spent on YM/IM, Limewir-ing, playing games, shopping at IKEA, God, the list just never ends). A break from the city was all I needed; away from TTDI, away from home, away from people...just away, away..

I have not had an away away getaway for a long, long time...since I got married in 2005. Let's see:- Got married, slogged behind the dapur at the shop right after the wedding, worked in a hotel, jumped to Prestige Communications, got pregnant, still had to work to pay off my maternity check-up bills and baby stuff, gave birth, joined MAVTRAC, continued working, getting a divorce, moved back to melawati, went for counseling, Deva got married..........
ARGGGHHHH...it was just too much to swallow! I had to get away - and the perfect getaway with no extra money to pay, good food, plenty of love and care - CHEMOR!!

Hence, began our road trip back to my kampung. Got the car loaded with food for saadiah, chocolate for mak (hey, it was supposed to be a road-trip, where you are supposed to enjoy the beautiful sights and nature! And there is a baby on board...Plus a lot of roadblocks maaaa...so, must drive at 80kmph) Amazingly, we got to Ipoh after 2.5 hours on the road. No singgah2 at mak's favourite R&R as Asu had cooked up a whole load of food enough for the kampung for us to savour.

The following days were just relaxing and bumming around at home, watching TV (yup, we actually sat and watch TV diligently since our TV back home has been out of service since yonks! We were living like cavewomen!) We made a trip down to Teluk Batik, Lumut, where Saadiah had her first go at swimming (in her tiny swimsuit) for a good half hour. Then, both Saadiah and I got the stomach flu - everything in our stomach 'flu' out for a good two days! I felt as though I was auditioning for Linda Blair's part in The Return of the Exorcista. We went jagung shopping at the road stall along Jalan Jelapang...and bought jagung enough to get your body all fibred down for a whole month. I did learn a new trick on how to boil fresh jagung from kak seh - to add some salt and sugar into the boiling water and leave it to boil further for 15 mins. I dreaded the day when we had to leave Chemor; I was just not ready to face the city, to go back behind the desk at work! But the dream about my boss, En Zul failing me at my appraisal, gave me a scare that we finally left on Saturday, 3rd January 2009 - coming back to reality.

2008 was just not the year for me... a lot of turbulence; at home, at work, financially, mentally. I am just glad that that particular chapter/year is OVER! Finito...The end!! Goodbye to sleeping alone, goodbye to heartaches, goodbye to suppressed emptiness, goodbye to sad memories...HELLO to newly found life, hello to happiness, hello to 2009!