Love Don't Love Me..

This morning, on my way to work, I was listening to Eric Benet's "mendayu-dayu" songs - the perfect selection to feed my sorrows. It was then i found myself singing "All I ever needed I could never find, all I ever wanted was to get it right, Somebody tell me what is wrong with me, I wasn't sure but I know now I believe, That it must be, love don't love me, ........." It is so true - Love has never loved me!

I am not proud to admit this, but I have been out (and about) with so many men. (Sha even insisted that she needed to come up with a tree -you know, like a family tree - so that she would know who is who!)

Lately, people from my past have somehow made their way to the present time. I dont know how, and why, but they are BACK! Well maybe, I do know how, since I sorta befriended /found them on Facebook. My intentions were good; I just wanted to keep in touch and know what's been happening in their lives.

That was how I met Arthur again; the Fijian guy whom I used to go out (and about) with some 13 years ago. What started out as casual hellos, how are yous, how many kids have you somehow grew to something which I did not expect. Some 2 months ago, things took a turn, and we decided that we wanted to give what we have had another chance. And so it began.

It was sweet, feeling love again.. and I felt alive. I thought it was just..perfect (Sha reckoned he was the designated 'plumber') He made plans to come down to KL to see me in November and we made plans to go to Hong Kong to catch the Hong Kong Sevens in March next year. It was all nice and rosy, up till last Sunday. The callings/texts stopped.

I didn't want to go all panicky; guys have this thing about us girls calling them 20 times just to ask them what they are doing! So, I sent him an email, followed by another the next day, and the next. Nothing. Come Thursday, I was almost almost crazy! What happened? Is he ok? Did I do anything that had offended him? So, I called. And called. Nothing...

I was devasted, sad, I felt cheated..everything. Why is it that everyone can feel and have love and I can't? Am I any different from anyone? Well, maybe in size and looks, but apart from all that, I have a heart, just like anyone else. I have feelings, just like everyone. I have wants and needs, just like all of you. So, why can't I have love?

People are always saying God is saving the best for me. I have waited 39 years, but the best has yet to arrive. Did he lose his way? Were there a lot of obstacles? Is it hard to get to me? What? I have never asked for much; I just want to be loved, that is all.

Arthur will not be the last to break my heart; I am sure others are just waiting for their numbers to be called. Probably there is sign on my forehead that says "Loser on the loose".

Probably the fortune teller was right; that I had been charmed/cursed by a snake when I was younger. Snakes aren't usually afraid of human beings. But not in my case, I scare the shit out of that poor snake that it cursed me. Oh my god, even snakes hate me! I am beyond help!!

Rani (the fortune teller) wants to take me to the snake temple, so that I can give my offerings (of milk and eggs) to the God of all Snakes and seek for his forgiveness; for scaring his kind in my younger days. Sigh......whatever it takes, just so long as love will love me back.

(to be continued..)

Ulat Bulu Naik Daun

Yesterday, an sms came in - it was from Bojeng. He asked if I would be interested in a lunch together-gether.

Now, you may think that, 'aiyah maz, you 're just blowing things out of proportion; he just wants to do lunch with you.." Yes, exactly..DO lunch!

OUR HISTORY

Bojeng and I met on one of the many, few, early websites developed for horny and desperate people. Now wait...before you guys think otherwise, I was honestly looking for friends - not fuck friends ok....

What attracted me to him was the fact that he was a Bidayuh. During that time, there weren't many Bidayuhs

around. Maybe there were, but my liking towards the opposite sex were and had always slanted towards the dark, tall and not necessarily handsome. (the darker, the better!hahahahahahaha)

I have this thing when it comes to men - they have to have the ability to speak well. (Hmm..don't know what happened to me with the last one I chose..I was probably drugged!!!) And there he was, a Bidayuh that could write and speak English well! And it would be kinda sexy to see an English speaking Bidayuh in

We started of with emails, then chats. He was with Cycle and Carriage then, managing all local Merc outlets. After 4 months, he asked me out...to physically meet each other. Alamak! How? It took more than 2 months for me to finally say yes.

We met at Coffee Bean at Pyramid. I then found out that he was separated from his wife, he was shy (i repeat..WAS) and most of it all, he was...well, still is...underheight! (he is my height for God's sake!!)

HUMPING AROUND

We hitted and started dating soon after. We would go for lunch, dinner, tea - let's just say my daily food intake was sort of taken care of. Soon, dinner somehow got extended to breakfast...(I was living alone maa..) He started leaving his boxers and kain pelekat and tooth brush(hahahahahahaha...am NOT kidding you..this man wears kain pelekat k?!) It was indeed a "cinta ketat".

Soon, the weekend overnights became a fortnightly affair...then it became a monthly thingy. He blamed it on work and travelling (don't they all) and promised he would make it up when things got better. It never did.

One evening, he came and said that we needed to talk. He told me that he was going back to his wife again; giving their marriage another shot. I felt numb while he packed his stuff and left. I didn't take any of his calls or sms-es anymore after that night. Till one day, after about a year.

I decided to contact him again - gatal! But then again, I had moved on; I have moved out of Sunway, I was dating another fella (Sha hates him), so I thought why not..Big Mistake!!

Next thing I knew, I was busy 'scheduling' schedules so that the two didn't bump into each other. Even the guards were confused! I was such a slut!!

Things went on and got pretty 'heated' till one day he told me that his wife was pregnant. Then it struck me - I have to put a stop to all this.

ON MY OWN

Abah's passing was a good excuse for me to break all ties - with Bojeng, with the fella and start anew. We both kept in touch though through out the years till the time I got married. Then all communications took a halt. Till I bumped into him at the Curve after giving birth to Saadiah.

I was on my way to meet my work collegues for lunch and saw him coming down the escalator. He was surprised to see me then, since I had started wearing tudung. We exchanged numbers again; and agreed to be in touch from time to time.

I must say that he has kept his share of the bargain; he has been in touch, asking me out for lunch and some 'fun' if I was interested. All through out my 'dead' marriage right through now.

Of late, the invitations had been on a weekly basis. The fact that I am single again has somehow triggered his 'gatal' nerve again. Probably he thinks that being husband-less has left me all dry and horny. What I can say - Bojeng after all is a man..A man who thinks NOT with his brains but the pruny ball-like thingy in between his legs.

The thing is, this whole sexual period has passed- I have been there, I have done that. I really don't look forward going down that road again. It is too taxing, plus the benefits 'don't last'. Sex would be great, if only it is laced with love, and affection for the other. Not just for lust..

Finally, I am Legal!

Not many people know this, but my driving licence 'died' (expired) some eight years ago. Ok, before anyone starts jumping, let me just explain.

It is not that I enjoyed driving around without a valid licence. This is not one of those 'Ada berani' moments, I can assure you.

There had been times when the sight of a policeman would freak me so bad that I would stall the journey, or take the other, longer, route to get to the destination! And Lady Luck was not always by my side; there had been times when I was stopped by the police (probably they saw my cuak face from a distance and decided to 'scare' me further), just to ask me where I was going and I would be stuttering so bad that they would ask for my licence. Then, all sorts of bullshit will be blurted and before you know it, I have been slapped with a summon. And it kept coming till I decided to 'go clean' in 2005.

Rapia Strings

I decided to pull some strings (my string isn't that long, mind you) and managed to get a good ole' friend to help me clear my summons using his 'strings'. After forking out over RM750, all my summons were somehow 'cleared' from the system and I was free!! For a short while that is, until I found out that JPJ will not renew expired licences like mine. (Note: JPJ would only allow renewals if the licence has expired not more than two years) I was doomed.

Upon further checking, I was told that I had to re-sit for the Bahagian II and Bahagian III tests (Slope, Side Park, Three Point Turn & On The Road) What? When I first got my license back in Fiji, I didn't even have start the engine! All I had to do was look pretty..and made sure that the buttons on my skirt were unbuttoned (less buttons, more points, or so I was told! hahaha) Sigh..just my luck..

I did ask my friends if they have friends who have friends in JPJ..of course they do, and their friends came with a price tag as well! Some went on asking for RM1,500 just to get my licence renewed! That's melayu for you..(No offence, but often more that not, it is the melayus that kill the other melayus)

Whip Appeal

After much thinking and all, I decided to go with the other option - which was to make an appeal to JPJ, and if I am lucky, they might just let me off with just taking the On the Road Test. JPJ replied after two days, saying that I have to take both tests and I was given 60 days to register myself at a driving school, go for short, refresher classes and sit for the test. Ok, I said, I will do it at the end of the month, after gaji. But I guess I spoke too soon, as I got pregnant soon after. Hence the deferment of the whole application process to after my delivery.

After giving birth, life was just crazy. It was work, baby, work, work, baby, baby and work!I just didn't have the time! But things somehow got smoother after my divorce, and I am kinda a little relax. Plus Saadiah is now a big girl...(in a small way..hehehe) I sent my appeal again, and again, I was to take the Bahagian II and III.

After googling and calling numerous driving schools, I decided to go with a school that conducts JPJ Test in-house. The closest to Taman Tun is the one next to Armada Hotel in PJ. What the heck, I thought to myself, just as long as I can get my licence again, who cares if it was just a stone throw away from the 'Dungeon'. (my ex father-in law's house)

MoU

After one hefty lunch on a long, Friday lunch break few weeks ago, I took the the babes from the third floor to the Driving School/centre. I enrolled for four classes, to brush up on my driving (manual ok?) slope, side park (with poles and all) and the routes for the On-The-Road Test. I also laid down my terms (ceh wah!) :-

i) That I must complete all classes and the dreaded test by the first week June

ii) That the centre must guarantee that I will pass the test

iii) That I am given a good instructor.

The following Monday, I received a call from the centre - to inform that JPJ has bestowed me with an 'L' licence (woohoo!) and that they have set my classes; which would commenced that Friday. Yay!

What ....

The following days were filled with encouragement and jeer from work collegues and friends. Them buggers! (Never forget for the world is round..) Come Friday, I was all nervous and panicky - thousands of 'What ifs' were going around and round in my head. "What if the car slides down the slope?" "What if the car halts in the middle of road?" What if ..what if ..what if.. arrrgggghhhhhh!

At 3.00pm, I started phrasing on my 'curi tulang' line - should I say, "I am not feeling well" , or "My mum is not well," or "My daughter hasn't stop crying" or "My car needs to be fixed", etc, etc, etc..

Aina (my boss's secretary) reckoned I should just tell the truth. "Are you nuts?" (that was exactly what I had said to her). What would he think of me then? I am putting my pride at stake! It was then I realised that I was indeed behaving like the egoistic Melayus that I hate! Yuck!!!!!!!

En Zul was engrossed on playing 'teacher-teacher' in his room with the marketing team and it was almost time to leave. What do I tell him, how do I tell him? I can't just interrupt his 'lecture session' and profess infront of others of my situation? Aina suggested that I call his extension..by doing that, others wouldn't hear and wouldn't know. Brilliant! I thought.

My thoughts were crashed when he went.." You mean you have been driving without a licence?" out loud, infront of the marketing team! Here was where people saw me banging my head on the table while replying.."Yes, but I have been driving carefully." At the end of the call, the whole third floor knew, Mazayu has been driving for yonks without a valid licence!

Kancil oh Kancil

The class went on well - but the car I was driving was just......beyond words.. It does not have power steering, the seat would rock everytime I brake (it didn't help that I am big and heavy!), the aircon blows hot air and it is a friggin' Kancil! By the time the class was done, my right foot (toes included) was numb and I was all toasty and sour (YUCK!)

Next two sessions were bearable - plus I picked up new skills. Did you know that to side park, one would have to count the poles? Once you are able to see the first three poles, turn the steering all the way to the left, look into the side mirror and count till the seventh pole, then straightened the wheels, reverse till the back tyre touches the line, then steer all the to the left..voila..you are in the box! Phuiyo..

My instructor, Mr Maniam is a nice guy. He knew I was nervous, and always cracking me up with jokes and hot juicy gozz on the other instructors. One had just lost his wife recently and already busy looking for a new wife, and reckoned I should try my luck! Huh??? Crack!

My last class was last Friday and it was then that I was told by Mr Maniam that my test would be on Monday at 8.30am. Yes..finally! I made plans - to have a good full rest on Sunday..not

gonna be no slave this sunday...must rest..must rest..

Sunday, Sunday..Day of Rest..??

Come Sunday, my big plans were crushed. Like any other weekend, I had to cook! I had to cook since mak and Kak Seh were busy gardening. Mem Besar (Lan's wife) only got up at 10.30am (as always) to eat and then to go up again. I was left with the kids and the kitchen to tend to. I am doomed! By 1.30pm, I had cooked up a feast! (not that i wanted to, but to simmer down the burning fire in me!) I made fish head curry, fish soup for the kids, sambal tumis ikan bilis and aloo beghan (indian dish - potatoes and brinjal) It was about that time Mem Besar came down and asked whether I needed help! Help me, it seems!! My ooooooze!

The new maid was due to arrive on Sunday as well at 4pm. Being the "law-abiding" daughter and employer, I made plans to leave for LCCT at 2.30pm. (Don't want mak to nag all the way to Sepang, do you) I was by then tired, sleepy, angry and I had to drive all the way to Sepang...not a good combination ain't it?

By the time we got to LCCT, I found out that the flight was slightly delayed. It was hot and humid, I was hungry, and the flight was delayed! Cool, cool.. We finally settled for a cuppa at Oldtown Kopitiam and waited. And we waited...for a good whole hour, and she didn't turn up. It was then I found out that I had to personally collect her at the Immigration with the valid papers and stuff..which I didn't have. To cut the story short, it was after a lot of running up and down and up and down LCCT that we all finally left LCCT at 7pm! By then, none of us look and smell decent no more. And when we finally got home, I was just too tired to sleep!

The Real Test

I told Sha I would pick her at 7am, (since I was told to be at the centre at 7.30am) but 'terbabas'. By the time we actually got to the centre, it was 7.40am. I thought I was late, but turned out that we were amongst the early birds. So, we waited.....and waited.....and waited. JPJ personnel finally arrived at 8.30am and we continued waiting..for them to complete the setting up and have a very long breakfast. It was getting all humid already by then.

Our names were called at 9.15 or so..all of us had to move from where we were seated to a shack right under the sun. There were 68 of us in Group 1; and numbers were only given up to 65. The other three (including yours truly) was special cases; hence we had to wait for all the young goons to go through the test before we could take ours. I did my Bahagian I test at 11.10am. First was the slope....and all the 'what if' questions started circling my head all over again! "What if the car slides down?" "What if the front tyres don't touch the yellow line?"

As soon as I saw the que to drive up the slope, my heart felt as though it had jumped out of its socket! All I could hear was Mr Maniam's voice, "Make sure your side mirror is the same as the pole..50% tyres in oso ok..' As soon as I stopped, lifted my hand, I saw the JPJ official doing the 'OK' sign. Yay!! Woo hoo! I passed the slope. Next was side park.

Each were given five minutes to park. I did mine in one and a half! (the officer actually asked, 'akak betul puas hati ke?' hahahahaha) Last of the three was the three-point-turn, which was "easy-peasy". I passed all three in a matter of 15 minutes! Next up, the OTR test.

Sha was already getting all edgy and uncomfortable being surrounded by the melayus and the young wannabes. Plus she was hungry. If I had known it was going to be this long, I wouldn't have dragged her.

There were four JPJ testers conducting the OTR test. 68/4 =17 minutes per person. It was definitely going to be a LONGGGGG day, I thought. Each student had to 'perform' a certain rite before 'proceeding' in the test. To gain extra points, one has to:

i) check all mirrors - side, rear view mirror

ii) check your seat

iii) free gear position

iv) check signal lights, check wiper

v) seat in place

vi) fasten seat belt

"How to remember all this??"' - I told Sha. The wait was good, as I was able to visually practise the rite in my head. I was finally tested at 1.20pm. I was asked to take Route B; the route that was rather simple but with a lot of slopes. 10 minutes after, I was back at the center and I was given 18/20 for my OTR test! Yay! I passed! I am now a valid driver!!!!

Yesterday, I was told that I could do my new licence..which I did and got it validated for 5 years! Hah! It is now legally safe to travel with me..no more freaking out whenever there's a road block, for I am legal now!

The Battle is Over

I have never dreamt of having a child in the first place. With the problems I was having, it would be miracle to actually conceive.

The days after my marriage were filled with pressures from all to get pregnant. The bastard, mak, the bastard's parents, the bomoh cronies - practically everyone! It came to a point where I was accused of not wanting to be pregnant by popping pills!! (Some people, like the bastard for instance, was born to be stupid. He played with coconuts with he was little!)

Anyways, God willing, I got pregnant and gave birth to my beautiful daughter some 23 months and 18 days ago. Everyone was happy except for the bastard. Whenever he came to visit, all he did was tap her on her arms and left to beautify his body at the gym. Then on, I knew, he didn't care for her.

The hell with him, she is my baby, my sunshine, my 'nyawa'. So what if he didn't care and provided her with love?

At the Syariah court, after the divorce proceedings, he cornered me and said that he wanted shared custody - he wanted her three days in a week!! What the 'fish-head-curry'? The guy who wouldn't even spend a minute to play with his daughter, wanted to take her for three days in a week? What the f&*@K?

I applied for an interim order from the Syariah High Court; to be given temporary custody of Saadiah. It was denied - point blank; as the court claimed that my allegations were baseless unless and until the bastard takes the stand and admits / defends himself!

There I was; a mother who has cared for her daughter from Day One - who took time off from an official office event to take her child to the clinic so that the so called father could continue sleeping at 10am in the morning, who picks up all bills related to the child - medical, clinical, diapers, milk formula, clothes, toileteries, maids' salaries - seeking justice from the higher authorities, only to be told that justice could not be served.

The lawyer advised me to find solid reasons to prove to the court that he was actually a threat to Saadiah. Would they have believed if I were to tell them that he was indeed the 'Syaiton nirrojim'? I had doubts....as I recall, the counselling officer at Pejabat Agama Gombak Timur said that mandi bunga is not haram!! Argghhhh...

Whilst both my lawyer and I were busy trying to stall the court decision to have a hearing, the bastard made an application at the High Court for shared custody. I was summoned to court to attend a Majlis Sulh (mak reckoned that i should bring a 'lampu suluh' for this session! hahahahaha) together with him, in the presence of a Sulh Official to solve issues pertaining to the child custody. What can I say, the bastard is a cheapskate - just as long as it doesnt involve any ka-ching factor (his money that is)

The first session was postponed; purposely had it postponed to spike him (boy, was he pissed! muahahahahahahahahaha) The second session was postponed as the Sulh Officer had to go on training. The final one was held yesterday.

It was the first time I saw him since the divorce - he still carries the 'P' face (I leave it to u guys; I am sure you lots can come up with better words than Pundek!) As always, my dear Sha was was me.(Thanks babe. I so lurve you so much...Thank you for putting up with me through thick and thin, through good and bad times..thank you so much!) We were such 'kalut-s', I swear to God.

Firstly, thanks to my voluptuous and perky boobies, someone's head got the dodging at the counter. I was trying so hard not to look at the bastard that I didnt realise someone was actually there at the counter. Damn! Then, of course there was the panic-pee attack. Out of the blue, I just had to pee. The urge was so overwhelming that I went straight into the men's toilet! When I went it, the ustaz thought that Sha was my daughter! O dear God!

The session started with him stating his claims; he wanted Saadiah 3 days a week, but full custody will be given to me. Huh... in his dreams! And he went on and on, rambling on the fact that he hasn’t seen her and that Saadiah doesn’t know him, blah, blah, blah…Susah susah die menyusun hujaj-hujah yang pada dia was probably the most intelligent dialogue he has ever had in his entire life!

I told the officer that I have never stopped him from seeing Saadiah; our door is always open. But he failed to do so. If he truly misses Saadiah, he would have waited at his sister’s place whenever Saadiah and I come over. But no, he would just drop his mum and the maids at the gate and speed away!

I also said that I don’t see the logic of her sleeping over as he is never home. (especially now with the new girl). He has never been home. It was always some berubat session or some tanam-di-tepi-pantai rendezvous with the bomoh crony.

Anyhoots, after much ‘haggling’ by the officer and the constant display of my utterly disgusted face to the both of them, the bastard finally gave in. All he got was 2 Sundays every month, from 9am to 6pm at Kak Ani's place, no sleepovers until she is 5 and with my permission, should he want to take Saadiah out of Kak Ani's house, the two elder siblings would have to be with him. Otherwise, a person whom I trust would have to accompany him at all times. I am given the full custody of Saadiah. Alhamdullillah.

The bastard however refused to pay any child alimony. He has forgotten his pact with Allah - my prayers to him! Hope he sees the light before the tunnel comes tumbling down onto him..

The Truth is Finally Out..

After the divorce, many came up to me and said, 'Dont worry, the truth will come out soon..'

Soon came seven months after; yesterday to be exact. I found out that Saadiah's dad has been seeing someone from back then; from the time we were married.

The woman he has been seeing is a divorcee with two boys (young toddlers I was told). Well. a dream come true for him, for he had always wanted a son. ( Now, he has two!) She is also one of the bomoh's follower - finally, a girl of his dreams..Now, they can both go and 'mandi bunga' together under the Sungai Klang Bridge, to ward off all bad /evil spirits/demon or whatever they believe in.

My ex-step daughter, Jamie was just so annoyed with her father, that all the beans were spilled to her mummy yeterday. All she had wanted was a teddy bear - a gift for a school friend since it was his /her birthday. But the father, being the prick he is, refused to part with his RM10. His money meant more than seeing his daughter happy. Probably he was saving the RM10 to buy his girlfriend some gifts from the RM2 shop!!

Jamie told her mummy that her father had always taken her on his secret dates with this woman. They would meet at AMCORP when I am out with Hazel, Jamie's other sister whenever they were in PJ back then. God must love me; He had saved me and brought me out of the marriage which was filled with betrayal, lies, deception and loveless.

I dont know why I am angry, but I am. In fact, angry is just not the word to describe my feelings. Rage, fury, resentment, disgust, hatred - a drop of this concoction will send one straight to hell on a one way ticket! How dare he meddle with one's feelings??

I sometimes wonder whether he is really human or he is just a pig! Not the ordinary pig, he must be of the wild boar specie - 'sondol' anything that comes his way!

My heart goes to the children; the three beautiful, innocent girls - Jamie, Hazel and Saadiah. Saadiah is just too young to understand, but for Jamie and Hazel, having to go through the whole process of accepting and acknowledging a new step mother would probably traumatize them..especially later on in their lives with the opposite sex. I hope and pray that my girls will meet responsible men who will love them unconditionally and whole-heartedly. Not like the pig that both their mum and I had married.

To the other woman -Maria/Marlia, all the best. You are now treading in deep waters with a tube filled with air. But as you swim along, the tube will soon exhaust all air, and you will find yourself having to swim all the way back to the shore. Fatigue will soon catch up with you, and if you are not careful, you will soon drown in the deep blue ocean..

Man Shopping

Janet emailed me today - reminding me that my clock is tick-tock-tick-tocking away and my days to finding a replacement hubbs are now numbered! Can't be....!!!

Aunty Tan (mak's friend who reads palms and birthdates) said to me that I would be married again in my early 40s. I do not know whether it was just a form of pacifying -as I just got out of my marriage or it was for real! (but i like the second one better..muahahahahaha) I did ask her to be specific - on the age factor especially. And that was when she made my day - for the next many many moons of my new single life.

I told everyone about it - my crack sister, the gurlie gurlz, the babes.. EVERYONE, and it made me feel great and back on track again! It was then I decided to 'test the water'.

I guess the Litmus paper I had used was not the right one as I began to attract men who are 1) unable to hold themselves for more than two seconds and 2) of Vellapan's (nick name for Deva)species. I must say - Been there and done that already and I am SOOOOOOO not going back to those routes no more!! All tests were put to halt...under further notice.

Then, Lan and family moved to Melawati one month after Baity gave birth to Qayyum. My weekends don't seemed like a weekend no more..Weekends are no longer days of rest but days of slogging behind the stove and running around trying to keep up with Saadiah and Iman! It doesn't stop at that - I feed and bathe them too! Iman has a new mama now - now that she has join the 'mandi bersama mama' fraternity and seen them all - the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly! (if you guys dont know hoots about the things I have said earlier - tough titties..)

The final blow came about during the last weekend - mak & Aton was busy doing some housekeeping on the slope next to the house. So, as always, I have been designated to handle all kitchen matters. Fine....I thought. Little did I know that Aton did not prepare any breakfast. Never mind, I said to myself, I will just run to the mamak restaurant and grab some roti canai. Then I thought why not make chicken rice - the easiest of all dishes. Maybe Baity can help babysit Saadiah while I cook..I thought..

I ended up juggling everything at one time while she sits pretty-ly breastfeeding Qayyum. I am not saying that she should stop breastfeeding - what I am saying is that probably her milk storage is depleting and that she should start on the formula. But no....what would I know about being an ibu mithali? "Baity kalau boleh nak susukan Qayyum susu badan sampai dia dua tahun"(I can somehow visualise her tonation and facial expression -YUCK)

Anyhoots, there I was, boiling the rice, steaming the chicken, roasting some chicken, taking the steam chicken out of the steamer and soaking them in cold water, feeding the kids, chasing them around, turning the chicken in the oven, taking the chicken out of the cold water and into the steamer......wait...wait..need to catch my breath..frying the taugeh, setting the table and calling everyone to eat! (Even the maid don't do half the things I did!)

Sunday was no better - and that was when I decided I needed a break! I need to go man shopping and I need to go real soon! No more playing the adorable, feel-free-to-step-all-over-me ayu/kak ayu/sister-in-law/maz..I have had enough of all this crap.

If only shopping for men is as easy as buying taugeh at the market, life would be just perfect. If Dah busuk and hitam, buang... kalau nak beli, cari yang keras-keras...

I’m a single again… and that is now a fact.

I’m very happy….and that is another fact, too.

I can safely say, I have never felt this liberated in my entire 38 years and some months of my life..At this point of time, I just feel that there is no, one-thing that I cannot do..anytime, anywhere, anyhow...No more having to sms or calling that particular someone to seek an A-ok to go wherever, whenever, with whomever and for what-so-ever..and that my dear friends is what I call freedom.

Being all 38 and single again has driven me into a whole new chapter in my life that I never knew existed before. Yes, I have grown older, birthed a beautiful daughter and all praise to the Almighty, I somehow had wisened up!

Things are just not the same anymore. Now, at this point of time in life and at this age, I am beginning to enjoy life more. I have stopped thinking about those who have made me emotionally weak, defeated, useless and abandoned. No one can now make me feel sad, no one can tell me I am fat and ugly. Three months ago, I was just another person with blue circumstances..A playful jeer would have gotten me all teary. And that sucked! Enough of crying, enough with sadness.. ENOUGH!!.

Yesterday, the 28TH of JANUARY 2009, I finally told myself that I want to get the blue-y tracks out of my life..it is time for me to love life and live life…No more having to go through the pain of feeling unwanted, unloved. The pain became more evident during my three year marriage. The way he treated me, the words that were ‘thrown’ at me; constantly piercing deep in the heart, and finally leaving it to die with much pain. The pain and this bitter feeling of being left alone, abandoned in the dark was just too much for anyone to handle…ENOUGH!

Liberty came knocking on my door yesterday after the morning hearing at the Syariah Court. It was just an out of the world experience; to be able to smile without a reason, to be able to walk with my head high in the sky..to be able to breathe again without choking on my salty tears.. The gloomy days are over.. I am a new person.. a new positive person. And I don’t have to be in a relationship to be positive and happy and that is for sure for I am the living prove. I am again single and I am just very happy!

Closure

There was a time, a long time ago, in a faraway land, that I fell in love. I was just happily, madly, utterly in love, and there was so much happiness, joy, laughter. There was much rejoicing. The times we had together was just …special and magical. Next thing you know, SHUT! Game Over. Gone. Dead. Completely cut off. Disconnected.

The memories are still fresh in my mind. The moments, the feeling…But I can't get it back. I may spend my entire life trying to get back into that Polariod; fighting all the way. But to no avail. Our relationship was the best I have ever had. Even now, years later, anytime I come close to it, I want to dive in. Sink or swim, I don't care.

I would give anything to be even in “the room” next to it; across the street, a breath away.. reminiscing and remembering what I never let myself forget. To look into his eyes and knowing; another time, another place, he will be there; standing right in front of me…within grasps. And I will hold him tight and never let go. Never ever.... I fought hard, but only with myself.

There were nights I cried. When we were together, him driving me home, I cried. Not because I was sad, or missing him, but because I was happy. Just so happy I couldn't contain myself. I couldn't believe it was real. Was it real? Have you ever wondered, have you ever asked yourself? There was this feeling..this trembling, completeness. The warmth that made everything seemed big.. Everyone seemed to be looking at you. You were the one. But not anymore..it is all gone. And it will never be there again.

I still see little pieces of you everywhere; a glance, a smile, a touch….The years away from you saw me counting the petals on daisies, he still loves me..he loves me not..he still loves me…HE STILL LOVES ME..I wish it was so..After 18 year, today, I am finally ready to accept that it is over..There is a need for closure..for the both of us. It is time, and I need to make this effort..Though our time together was brief; it was effortless and it was filled with love. Thank you, for allowing me into your life and for sharing your life with me.


If you ever see/read this, you will know it is by me. Our story was probably meant to be a tragic love story. Continue smiling, though it will never be for me. I’m glad that this ‘burden’ is finally out of me and hopefully, I am ready for a closure.. Goodbye, DB..


“There is nothing in the world so wonderful as to love and be loved; there is nothing so devastating as love lost.”

Sambungan - My Wacko Cracko Sisters

Oopss...now this is what haappens when you think you are smart, when you know for a fact you are NOT! hahahaha... I saved the draft, thinking that i would continue the cerita karut today, only to find out that I had actually posted it!! HAIYAAAAAAA....................

Anyhoots, where was I.....hmmmm...Ah yes, the poodle do.

Well, her poodle-y do weren't as bad as Gee's on her wedding day! ahahahahahahahahaha....who can forget (though she had incinerated all evidence many moons ago!) the poodle bangs with the the skunk nose make up! Gee is crack sister; the crackiest of all...She was born with too many screws missing up there....She would have made the perfect Stepford Wife...hahahahahahahaha.

Growing up with her as a sister was not easy, believe me...She hated my guts, I hated her tai-tai, dragon-like behaviour. I was told that on the day I was brought home from the hospital, she stood next to the crib (with her 'Damien' face) and gave me one hella a pelempang; right smack on my face! Thus began the rivalry...which went on till the day she gave birth to my niece, Intan. I guess being a mother (and not forgetting old, huh!) sorta gave her amnesia and all were forgotten..

Being the rebellious one, I was quite a handful I would say...but they have always stood by me, through thick and thin. We have learnt to live with our flaws and imperfections; and they have come to terms with the fact that I am, in fact, the beautiful ONE!

When I left PJ, they were the ones who waited for me at mak's with open arms, with undivided love. Ida and Gee, thank you for being great sisters...you guys may be the crackiest crack of all cracks ( and not forgetting less beautiful), I am just very grateful that I have you as my sisters..

Sisters Heart to Heart
By Joanna Fuchs

From the time that we were little,I knew you’d always be

Not just loving sisters

But a caring friend to me.
A shoulder I could cry on,

A helping hand in times of need,

A cheerleader to lift me up, (ermmmm.....i think not)

My angel in both word and deed.

We told each other secrets;

We giggled and we cried.

We shared our joys and sorrows--

We were always side by side.

We have a very special bond;

I knew it from the start.

You’ll have my love forever--

We’re sisters, heart to heart.

My Wacko Cracko Sisters

I am blessed with three beautiful sisters....well, two...(one is a major psycho): Ida (the one in red) and Gee (the one with the 'serombong keretapi' nose! hahahahaha).

Ida, who is in her 40s (and sooo in denial) is a mother to three beautiful girls (my 'daughters' before i actually, physically gave birth to my own daughter). She has been married for yonks but somehow managed to retain her youth all these years (damn it! she is the only one who has mak's genes!) Ida married abang Shahrin back in 80s where the eyes were made up with a splat of blue or green onto the eyelids and the poodle hairdo was in...

What a Year..2008

Alhamdullillah...the new year is finally here..It has been two days since I am back behind the desk; playing 'busy' and continue to fool others with the tapping of the keyboard keys. I was away for over a week; I just needed the break to lay back and relax with mak and saadiah. What was supposed to be a six-day-break extended to a ten glorious, hassle-free, cuti-cuti malaysia..

I decided to head back to chemor for the christmas break and head back again to kl for new years since all the bosses were away (and I do mean ALL BOSSES) and we had the whole office to ourselves! (woo hoo...imagine the hours spent on YM/IM, Limewir-ing, playing games, shopping at IKEA, God, the list just never ends). A break from the city was all I needed; away from TTDI, away from home, away from people...just away, away..

I have not had an away away getaway for a long, long time...since I got married in 2005. Let's see:- Got married, slogged behind the dapur at the shop right after the wedding, worked in a hotel, jumped to Prestige Communications, got pregnant, still had to work to pay off my maternity check-up bills and baby stuff, gave birth, joined MAVTRAC, continued working, getting a divorce, moved back to melawati, went for counseling, Deva got married..........
ARGGGHHHH...it was just too much to swallow! I had to get away - and the perfect getaway with no extra money to pay, good food, plenty of love and care - CHEMOR!!

Hence, began our road trip back to my kampung. Got the car loaded with food for saadiah, chocolate for mak (hey, it was supposed to be a road-trip, where you are supposed to enjoy the beautiful sights and nature! And there is a baby on board...Plus a lot of roadblocks maaaa...so, must drive at 80kmph) Amazingly, we got to Ipoh after 2.5 hours on the road. No singgah2 at mak's favourite R&R as Asu had cooked up a whole load of food enough for the kampung for us to savour.

The following days were just relaxing and bumming around at home, watching TV (yup, we actually sat and watch TV diligently since our TV back home has been out of service since yonks! We were living like cavewomen!) We made a trip down to Teluk Batik, Lumut, where Saadiah had her first go at swimming (in her tiny swimsuit) for a good half hour. Then, both Saadiah and I got the stomach flu - everything in our stomach 'flu' out for a good two days! I felt as though I was auditioning for Linda Blair's part in The Return of the Exorcista. We went jagung shopping at the road stall along Jalan Jelapang...and bought jagung enough to get your body all fibred down for a whole month. I did learn a new trick on how to boil fresh jagung from kak seh - to add some salt and sugar into the boiling water and leave it to boil further for 15 mins. I dreaded the day when we had to leave Chemor; I was just not ready to face the city, to go back behind the desk at work! But the dream about my boss, En Zul failing me at my appraisal, gave me a scare that we finally left on Saturday, 3rd January 2009 - coming back to reality.

2008 was just not the year for me... a lot of turbulence; at home, at work, financially, mentally. I am just glad that that particular chapter/year is OVER! Finito...The end!! Goodbye to sleeping alone, goodbye to heartaches, goodbye to suppressed emptiness, goodbye to sad memories...HELLO to newly found life, hello to happiness, hello to 2009!